Dear Diary,

I’m tired… I’m frustrated…

Yes, she’s only three but she’s smart. She know’s everything else. Why is cleaning her room so damn difficult? I gotta clean every other damn part of the house including my room. I AM TIREDDDDD of cleaning her’s. I am ready to throw every damn toy out of the window. Esp, that damn doll baby that keeps singing rhymes. It doesn’t even have an off button. UGH.

I buy the toys to see her happy… but seeing them everywhere else around the house and all over her room, makes me unhappy!

I refuse to clean up that damn room. It’s like a never-ending process, the more I clean… the faster she destroys it. I understand a mommy’s job is never done but COME ON… REALLY?

I say throw all the toys away… WAT YOU THINK?

I’m Just a Frustrated MAID,

-Kayotic Konfessions


I sing Off-Key …

Dear Diary,

What can I say? Tonight was a good night!!! I loved every minute of it. Had our little christmas dinner party tonight and it was awesome. It felt like I had a big family and not the normal dysfunctional one; like my own. We were all in sync, laughing and joking. We even sung Christmas carols. I sung a little off-key but whatever. My daughter truly enjoyed herself and I loved having her participate in an atmosphere like that. You don’t know how badly I want that for her. I just want the opposite of what I had. My family members are scarce, hate each other and can’t come together without fighting within the first fifteen minutes about the stupidest shit. I know its possible to have something different, because I constantly see it. Only problem is its never mines for the taking.

I constantly kept thinking about that the majority of the party. When will I have something like this in my life on a regular basis; is it coming? How much longer will the man upstairs make me wait before granting me something I’ve wanted for years? I’m starting to get a little uneasy with the fact I think my “POI” (point of Interest) will never be willing to try the thing I desire the most. The very thought kind of makes me really sad. I’ve tried to shake it, ignore it… etc. but the feeling always comes back. He cares but the emotional connection I need, Sagittarius aren’t built for giving it. Us pieces are such needy people and that it blows me. Not in a sense of needing money or material things… Just Love and affection. Sometimes I like the characteristics that come along with being a Pisces, other times I think they make things very hard for me. I don’t know, I’m just so tire   d ofthinking and yearning about something that seems so distant.

I just want it all,

Kayotic Konfessions

Afraid of Death….

Dear Diary,

Its hella late and I think I’ve had one too many drinks within the comfort of my home. As I sit thinking to myself about all that’s going on around me, death comes to mind. Such a horrible topic to come to mind after taking in alcohol but what can I say, my mind goes wherever it wants; here and there. Any who, I’m sitting here on this recliner, and I just started to think about how surrounded I’ve been with death lately over these last couple of weeks… years even. My closest friends are losing relatives and friends left and right, while I have yet to lose a soul. They call and express to me about their loses and I feel like a child without any words. I don’t know what to say, or how to react…Its starting to frighten me. Does it mean my run in with losing someone will hit harder than theirs since death has been avoiding me? With all these recent loses, does it mean I’m next to experience this? How in the world do I prepare myself?

I can’t say I’m complaining that I haven’t been impacted, I’m just so unsure of how I will take it or of how much of a mess I will truly be. I’m already emotional as hell with small things and death is huge. I sat down thinking about the very FEW people I love, my immediate friends, my scarce family members, even my daughter’s side of her family (her included) and yes… a few of my FB acquaintances… I started to feel my heart drop. Tears started instantly running down my face {I’m afraid}… I don’t want to lose anyone that close; anyone I Love. Shit, I don’t wanna lose anyone I’ve encountered. I’m even more afraid of how I will be after the impact has floor’d me. There are a few people I don’t want to live without, people that I just can’t live without. Don’t get it twisted, to have them out of my life is one thing but to end their life… Oh boy, that’s another.

Life is not guaranteed, I just pray that no one gets taken away that’s near and dear or really close to me.

I’m so not ready,

-kayotic Konfessions

Almost Xmas…

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Wishing me a Merry Christmas... N a happy New year lls

Dear Diary,

It’s almost Xmas….

for the first time in years, I’m actually excited. I was semi-excited last year because I finally got a place of my own. *Sigh* that meant no more tears, no more depending on others and house hopping, so that was great. The best gift that non existent Santa Claus every brought me. However, I still was in no real Christmas spirit. I had to fake it. My daughter didn’t really understand it anyway. Plus, the holidays just seemed to get more and more lonely as the years went past. I was practically over Xmas before Thanksgiving even came. This christmas is so different thou. The family thing still semi sucks, but my princess is excited and its rubbing off on me. She adores the idea of Santa Claus. Almost had to ring my moms neck for saying he don’t exist in front of her. Why mom? like really?… SHUT UP!!! Why ruin the child’s dreams, and still her childhood joy? Maybe if more of these kids nowadays had something to believe in besides the dumb crap they see, they wouldn’t be as confused as they are….(but that’s another story). My best friend K & her family have invited us down to their house and I’m grateful. I’ll be around a loving atmosphere… no loneliness. So that’s awesome. I think what made this Xmas the most special, was I… me, the struggling mom… finally was able to get everything that “I” wanted to get her on my own this year. I think that’s what really touched my little soul and brung back that Xmas spirit that had vacated my body after 96. I finally felt whole lol… or felt like a real live Santa Claus.

Tis the season to be JOLLY and I think I am….

but let me not speak too soon lls

-With Love,

Kayotic Konfessions